Somehow i am harbouring the thought that passionate teachers will never last through the service.
As i am sitting at my work table in the office, this seems to fill up all my thoughts.
Today i am being asked to produce an entire stack of materials for Chinese O Level examinations. And to make matters worse, all the work has to be completed within a month, right after the March holidays, for which monday to wednesday must be spent at Batam.
Han asked me to conduct extra trainings for the cadets on thursday and friday. I have a lot of overdue assignments. I have 3 classes of workbooks on my table now. I have not stopped marking since 3pm.
i will not leave the office until the papers are marked and marks recorded and the workbooks finished for the sec 2s. I will finish my RME journals before i go. And students are still not submitting the journals.
It upsets me but yet i cannot scold them for the journals if they feel its an unimportant subject.
I spent the whole evening trying to summarise "The Clash of Civilizations" on the religion issue as i thought it might be useful to them. So that they will not feel that being sensitive to religion is a shallow thing to do.
tomorrow there are students supposed to see me for re-test because they refuse to study even if time was give to them upright. I want them to see the point of working for their results.
They are seeing a teacher who will not give up even if it means that they do.
i am putting Serene's gift which says "Never Say Die", a stand which is supposed to encourage myself.
I wanted to talk to the NCOs on the sec 1 camp and the way they have been running activities.
The exco was chosen without my knowledge and i was supposed to comment even if they choose someone who is not from the campcraft team.
i am supposed to pay competition fees for the chinese quiz competition.
i keep having the thinking that people are seeing me as a slacker-teacher.
Is the desire to do my best so hard to achieve?
21 February 2006
12 February 2006
泪光
又是一个让人感动的时刻。
震耳欲聋的掌声与欢呼声在校长竭力宣布成绩的当儿，完完全全地笼罩着我的心房。那种声音是发自内心的；经过了无比的考验与辛劳，尝到的成功又是什么滋味？
我的眼角泛出了泪光，但这泪水却是欢愉的。
震耳欲聋的掌声与欢呼声在校长竭力宣布成绩的当儿，完完全全地笼罩着我的心房。那种声音是发自内心的；经过了无比的考验与辛劳，尝到的成功又是什么滋味？
我的眼角泛出了泪光，但这泪水却是欢愉的。
08 February 2006
This is a Super Long Posting
I cannot believe that i just woke up, all the things are not done and here i am .... blogging.
237am.
I thought i was late for school. Again. In fact many of my friends who are teachers often have this phobia. I gather we are all stressed up for work. And far-fetched as it seems from this, i just feel teachers are too overtaxed with work. I saw a forum posting in the MOE feedback forum that a teacher "daringly" posted a comment. He said that there is often a high turnover in the number of people teaching every year. He was really concerned about the retention of quality teachers in the service due to the fact that the recent increase in numbers was a result of an economic slump and that an exodus will occur once it picks up.
And of cause the reply from the senior management was a good one.
Not that i am against the government, but i do not feel any sense of joy when i read the reply, which was full of statistics to show proof of what is good.
Statistics?
They do not mean much to me when i am just a small teacher who is hard at work at the lowest level of the hierarchy. When i read the figures, they do not even make any sense. What is important to me now is if i can finish my work on time, whether i am shortchanging my students and whether i can even do my job as a teacher.
The fact is that more often than not, they are shortchanged.
Just take the day that have just passed: I woke up at around 5am and started a frantic preparation to get out of the house. Hoping that i can mark a few workbooks in school after my one day mc, i was stopped short in my work with the administration for the Chinese Quiz competition. Then it went on... much to my frustration .. till 735am, when it was almost time for assembly. My work was cut short short in other words.
Then it was a day of facing students.. which was not exactly a very good experience as i prepared the materials, under stress of very liimited time and at the end of it all, their response was not as what i expected. I think my form class did try but interest was something u could see if it was there. Then 3C whereby the same few people showed me their defiance by sleeping and talking while lesson was going on.
I mean, not that i am expecting perfection, but can't they see the fact that i am really trying hard? Can they not see that i have even went to the point that chinese almost becomes english when lessons were going on? Can they not see that i was trying to make lessons understandable, when it is not even my fault that chinese is a subject that we all have to study?
Then it was 2G with all the stupid questions... "teacher if we write one word less than 500 will we be punished?", "teacher can we interview u for our IPW project?", "teacher can i do my homework at home and not now?".......... and yet i have to put my frustration away when they do come and asked advice on how to do their work. i have to pretent that i am very patient when i was almost exploding inside from all the nonsense. I have to be nurturing, because if i do not, they would feel that this teacher is just going to scold them. I don't want to ask this teacher anymore. And in the end it is just my fault again.
Coming back to the office, and finally i thought i could at least mark a little work. I made a cup of tea (tat was lunch) and the time was already 2pm. A colleague suddenly came over and asked me to discuss with the vendor about the school's cultural immersion program. I told her that i have to go soon as there was the classification shoot later and she told me that it would only take a while. And believing her, i left the cup of tea on the table.
It went until 235pm when i saw Yew Kiat walked past to change into his uniform. So i had no choice but to excuse myself.
Imagine the anger in me when i walked back to my table and i saw that my tea was spilled all over and although the culprits were cleaning it as i arrived, i could not help but feel an overwhelming surge of anger upon myself.
"we were about to write sorry on your table!" quipped one of them.
I was so angry!
I packed my stuff, and cleaned the table again. Tea was all over the undersides of the cups, the workbooks was stained (how was i going to explain to the students) and another unknowing colleague asked me to relay a message through the staff room door.
After the banging and throwing of stuff (i know it is very spoilt of me to do that, maybe even dangerous), i stormed out of the office to go downstairs for the bus.
Reached HQ at 1510 hrs and was immediately bombed with duty as range safety officer. In a weak moment of desperation i asked, "start already ah?"
"if not wait till when?" was the reply.
I can only manage a weak smile.
Then there were many unhappy things happening in the range, people were complaining about the selfishness of some schools, and there was even a foreign school joining us for the shoot whereby we have to serve them. There was no closure, there was not even a single attempt to recognise us for our efforts. I hear Yew Kiat's grousings and much as i want to support him, i felt that there was no point in my doing so. Nothing would change and there was nothing that we could do to change that.
There was still the sec 4s to talk to after that infamous incident but there was simply no time. I asked Yan Han if he had talked to them and he said he was planning to do it during dinner with them. He asked me if i wanted to go along but i said no. My gut tells me that it wasn't a good time. Or maybe because i was not concerned enough?
Frankly speaking, i do not know.
So we started walking to the exit of HQ, and in a moment of luck, we saw 2 of the PL teachers getting into their car. And we were offered a ride home.
Finally a change of luck! (i thought) And when we got into the car, i was stung by a wasp. :(
Numbness came and i thought i was going to get into a seizure. Then they adviced me to go and see the doctor but the usual melocholic me told them that it was better off dead. So i don't have to go school tomorrow.
And finally dinner at home. i think i am at least fortunate to have auntie cooking dinner for me.
715pm.
The day did not stop a single second since 5am.
And i slept the moment i got into my bedroom. I thought a short nap would do some good before i mark the many overdue assignments and tests. Long overdue in fact.
And the nap came to 237am.
And instead of marking, i am blogging.
Why am i blogging? I think i am shortchanging the students again. But am i being shortchanged too.............
Guess its back to marking... before i embark on yet another crazy day, where official work is detailed to at least 430pm....
Will it ever stop?
237am.
I thought i was late for school. Again. In fact many of my friends who are teachers often have this phobia. I gather we are all stressed up for work. And far-fetched as it seems from this, i just feel teachers are too overtaxed with work. I saw a forum posting in the MOE feedback forum that a teacher "daringly" posted a comment. He said that there is often a high turnover in the number of people teaching every year. He was really concerned about the retention of quality teachers in the service due to the fact that the recent increase in numbers was a result of an economic slump and that an exodus will occur once it picks up.
And of cause the reply from the senior management was a good one.
Not that i am against the government, but i do not feel any sense of joy when i read the reply, which was full of statistics to show proof of what is good.
Statistics?
They do not mean much to me when i am just a small teacher who is hard at work at the lowest level of the hierarchy. When i read the figures, they do not even make any sense. What is important to me now is if i can finish my work on time, whether i am shortchanging my students and whether i can even do my job as a teacher.
The fact is that more often than not, they are shortchanged.
Just take the day that have just passed: I woke up at around 5am and started a frantic preparation to get out of the house. Hoping that i can mark a few workbooks in school after my one day mc, i was stopped short in my work with the administration for the Chinese Quiz competition. Then it went on... much to my frustration .. till 735am, when it was almost time for assembly. My work was cut short short in other words.
Then it was a day of facing students.. which was not exactly a very good experience as i prepared the materials, under stress of very liimited time and at the end of it all, their response was not as what i expected. I think my form class did try but interest was something u could see if it was there. Then 3C whereby the same few people showed me their defiance by sleeping and talking while lesson was going on.
I mean, not that i am expecting perfection, but can't they see the fact that i am really trying hard? Can they not see that i have even went to the point that chinese almost becomes english when lessons were going on? Can they not see that i was trying to make lessons understandable, when it is not even my fault that chinese is a subject that we all have to study?
Then it was 2G with all the stupid questions... "teacher if we write one word less than 500 will we be punished?", "teacher can we interview u for our IPW project?", "teacher can i do my homework at home and not now?".......... and yet i have to put my frustration away when they do come and asked advice on how to do their work. i have to pretent that i am very patient when i was almost exploding inside from all the nonsense. I have to be nurturing, because if i do not, they would feel that this teacher is just going to scold them. I don't want to ask this teacher anymore. And in the end it is just my fault again.
Coming back to the office, and finally i thought i could at least mark a little work. I made a cup of tea (tat was lunch) and the time was already 2pm. A colleague suddenly came over and asked me to discuss with the vendor about the school's cultural immersion program. I told her that i have to go soon as there was the classification shoot later and she told me that it would only take a while. And believing her, i left the cup of tea on the table.
It went until 235pm when i saw Yew Kiat walked past to change into his uniform. So i had no choice but to excuse myself.
Imagine the anger in me when i walked back to my table and i saw that my tea was spilled all over and although the culprits were cleaning it as i arrived, i could not help but feel an overwhelming surge of anger upon myself.
"we were about to write sorry on your table!" quipped one of them.
I was so angry!
I packed my stuff, and cleaned the table again. Tea was all over the undersides of the cups, the workbooks was stained (how was i going to explain to the students) and another unknowing colleague asked me to relay a message through the staff room door.
After the banging and throwing of stuff (i know it is very spoilt of me to do that, maybe even dangerous), i stormed out of the office to go downstairs for the bus.
Reached HQ at 1510 hrs and was immediately bombed with duty as range safety officer. In a weak moment of desperation i asked, "start already ah?"
"if not wait till when?" was the reply.
I can only manage a weak smile.
Then there were many unhappy things happening in the range, people were complaining about the selfishness of some schools, and there was even a foreign school joining us for the shoot whereby we have to serve them. There was no closure, there was not even a single attempt to recognise us for our efforts. I hear Yew Kiat's grousings and much as i want to support him, i felt that there was no point in my doing so. Nothing would change and there was nothing that we could do to change that.
There was still the sec 4s to talk to after that infamous incident but there was simply no time. I asked Yan Han if he had talked to them and he said he was planning to do it during dinner with them. He asked me if i wanted to go along but i said no. My gut tells me that it wasn't a good time. Or maybe because i was not concerned enough?
Frankly speaking, i do not know.
So we started walking to the exit of HQ, and in a moment of luck, we saw 2 of the PL teachers getting into their car. And we were offered a ride home.
Finally a change of luck! (i thought) And when we got into the car, i was stung by a wasp. :(
Numbness came and i thought i was going to get into a seizure. Then they adviced me to go and see the doctor but the usual melocholic me told them that it was better off dead. So i don't have to go school tomorrow.
And finally dinner at home. i think i am at least fortunate to have auntie cooking dinner for me.
715pm.
The day did not stop a single second since 5am.
And i slept the moment i got into my bedroom. I thought a short nap would do some good before i mark the many overdue assignments and tests. Long overdue in fact.
And the nap came to 237am.
And instead of marking, i am blogging.
Why am i blogging? I think i am shortchanging the students again. But am i being shortchanged too.............
Guess its back to marking... before i embark on yet another crazy day, where official work is detailed to at least 430pm....
Will it ever stop?
06 February 2006
Then & Now
I think i have many regrets when it comes to playing the role of training officer in Marist NPCC. It cannot be what it seemed to be in the old days when there were lots of time to share and teach, or to be a good example as a leader.
Teaching has it's pains and added onto the burden is the age that creates the generation gap between cadets and officer.
Passionate is the desire but yet mediocre is the performance. What is nurturing when quality time cannot be spent? Time gives experience but so does it alienates generations of different people.
The flame of the past versus the spirit of today?
Teaching has it's pains and added onto the burden is the age that creates the generation gap between cadets and officer.
Passionate is the desire but yet mediocre is the performance. What is nurturing when quality time cannot be spent? Time gives experience but so does it alienates generations of different people.
The flame of the past versus the spirit of today?
29 January 2006
Loss yet again
Its been 5 years since i lost my mother and today i am made to think about her again when my auntie talked to me over the issue.
She was talking to me about religion and how it would help my mother and so on... then a part of me started thinking that ... maybe nothing was real and that religion was actually to help us overcome our grief more effectively amongst many other things.
But then that was only a guess.
Then i saw online accounts of Jasper and Serene... and suddenly it ached me again to know i have yet lost 2 more people who somehow touched my heart.
Sometimes life can be that much tough to handle .... ...
She was talking to me about religion and how it would help my mother and so on... then a part of me started thinking that ... maybe nothing was real and that religion was actually to help us overcome our grief more effectively amongst many other things.
But then that was only a guess.
Then i saw online accounts of Jasper and Serene... and suddenly it ached me again to know i have yet lost 2 more people who somehow touched my heart.
Sometimes life can be that much tough to handle .... ...
28 January 2006
Efforts Repaid?
Today has been a very happy day.
Ex-students have came back to visit me and i have got gifts for the CNY from some of them even, even though some were just mandarin oranges.
Then i was commented to be teaching well in the subject by another student.
Though simple words and actions, they were really a big boost on my morale as i can finally proved that what i had chipped in was worth the effort.
I think i am ready to move on!
Ex-students have came back to visit me and i have got gifts for the CNY from some of them even, even though some were just mandarin oranges.
Then i was commented to be teaching well in the subject by another student.
Though simple words and actions, they were really a big boost on my morale as i can finally proved that what i had chipped in was worth the effort.
I think i am ready to move on!
23 January 2006
胡思乱想
要写作却不知道要写一些什么。最近生活过得不是很好。工作上除了忙，还是忙。
每天接近十四个钟头的工作时间几乎是疯狂的。为什么同事们大多数都是晚来早走，而我却是早来迟归？沉重的压力好像让我开始胡思乱想，以为学生心里都把我看成一个懒惰的老师。
于是我还是拼了命地苦干实干，希望不辜负他们。但这样的生活又能够持续多久？
每天接近十四个钟头的工作时间几乎是疯狂的。为什么同事们大多数都是晚来早走，而我却是早来迟归？沉重的压力好像让我开始胡思乱想，以为学生心里都把我看成一个懒惰的老师。
于是我还是拼了命地苦干实干，希望不辜负他们。但这样的生活又能够持续多久？
21 January 2006
16 January 2006
A Moment of Recollection
Nows the hour to be marking or sleeping already but yet my mind trails off into the distance.
The buzz of the msn and some chats with a few frens and old boys, the thing that really caught my eye on the many nicknames on the chat console was "the spitfire days".
Reminiscence of the old days... those were the days... many of us do want to linger and maybe not come into the present. The old days always seemed sweet and full of joy and fun. Great friends, good life and the best of all a time to remember.
The buzz of the msn and some chats with a few frens and old boys, the thing that really caught my eye on the many nicknames on the chat console was "the spitfire days".
Reminiscence of the old days... those were the days... many of us do want to linger and maybe not come into the present. The old days always seemed sweet and full of joy and fun. Great friends, good life and the best of all a time to remember.
09 December 2005
Blogging on the net is always easier when you are writing in English. You do not have to worry about the "pin yin" of the words that you want to write and everything just flows.
Life can be contradictory sometimes.
You fight very hard for some things but in the end your goal flys further the more you struggle. Some people asked me if efforts do mean results; and answers seemed so easy always to say but yet also appear unattainable when you make the prescribed attempt.
Does effort equals to product? Many a time, the answer is sadly no. So how do i really give a really good answer to those of you who have talked with me at heart? Spent long hours pondering on the things that never fail to gripe and gnaw?
Today my answer is that you will get a sense of relief. Because you have fought hard for it, no matter how bad the method was to reach the conclusion, the result will prove to be a consolation, even discouraging it may seemed to be.
Sadness may come inevitably, but ultimately your heart's desires have been answered, if not achieved, and that is comfort enough.
Life can be contradictory sometimes.
You fight very hard for some things but in the end your goal flys further the more you struggle. Some people asked me if efforts do mean results; and answers seemed so easy always to say but yet also appear unattainable when you make the prescribed attempt.
Does effort equals to product? Many a time, the answer is sadly no. So how do i really give a really good answer to those of you who have talked with me at heart? Spent long hours pondering on the things that never fail to gripe and gnaw?
Today my answer is that you will get a sense of relief. Because you have fought hard for it, no matter how bad the method was to reach the conclusion, the result will prove to be a consolation, even discouraging it may seemed to be.
Sadness may come inevitably, but ultimately your heart's desires have been answered, if not achieved, and that is comfort enough.
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