Loss

Want to say thank all of you who have one way or the other consoled me in the loss of my father.

It was 8 years ago since he was first diagnosed with the condition. I remember a short while later, mother passed away and there i was, sitting at the hospital bed, all by myself and thinking how lonely and helpless i was in the middle of the night. The tears flowed so much that i had to wash them away and went back to the chair, hoping that father would wake up from his comma.

It has been a few years since the last comma and eventually the inevitable moment of truth. And the feeling of loneliness is still ever as potent.

The importance of having a family; you only feel the loss and the helplessness when it strikes you. How many do really treasure what they already have, no matter how dysfunctional?

How about having none?

It has been 8 years of hospital running, a lot of frustrations and anguish, the skyhigh bills, the gargantuan amount of red tape, the trouble of repeating mindless interviews and appointments time and time again, the admission and the discharge from wards, the changing of beds, the quarrels, the ...

Yet, what are all these compared to the loss of a loved one?

And Miss T was right, the tough part is when all the matters at hand are resolved, and suddenly the void comes in and you are left again to face the memories all alone all over again.

You just feel it suddenly, it can be a moment at the stairs, when you are looking further in front of you, working halfway, a moment of silence, and regret and loss and everything else floods in.

Yet there's not much we can gain from the sadness, which was why i went back to work almost immediately. Life is transient, and all the more we should make full use of it... even if it's just mere minutes away, if i could have waited for those few minutes.. maybe i would have taken a last look.